Okay, so Christmas is coming and obviously all you guys want is cycling related stuff.
Our ‘Bad Santa’ list contains some suggestions “just right for you” and some home truths you really need to start facing.
You can also check out our video at the very, very end just above the comments section.
We'd say Happy Christmas, but that would be stretching it.
Vivo Fit
A cool little device by Garmin that measures all of your off the bike activity, just like your bike computer does when riding. Get this product and you can never (like, ever) relax. You will always feel you’re training and your self-worth will be linked more than ever to your physical condition and training guilt. Perfect.
Pedal Ed belt
Made from saddle leather, these contain reflective threads that light up when a car's headlights shine on you as you're cycling home. It may be good for the tiny number of you who actually have friends to be out with of an evening this Christmas when you’re not on the turbo, stretching, eating or in bed. www.pedaled.com
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Culinary Products
Park Tool do great bike tools, but they also do novelty bike-themed culinary products. We think this is very sad, but we know how anal a lot of you are. So…
Qhubeka Saddle Bag
For every 50 of these units sold, the manufacturer is going to donate a bike to projects in the developing world. This is a worthwhile, charitable and altruistic endeavour. As a cyclist, it’s not for you. Move on. Nothing to see here.
Multi Tool
An item that nobody but you or somebody like you would want. It even has a word in its title that describes you. Go for it.
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Strava Premium
A premium version of a product you can use without ever having to interact with another human being. Yet it still allows you measure yourself against others, with your ability to go fast and far the only units by which self worth is determined. Also encourages repetitive training routes with a competitive dimension and self loathing at failing to meet meaningless personally targets completely replacing things like robbing lads winter hats and throwing them into fields for the craic. Seriously, does it get any better?
Coffee Tamper
Used to compress ground coffee when making espresso coffee; this is included here to confirm your ridiculous view that cyclists like you somehow have a more special or sophisticated relationship with coffee than ‘civilians’. Go ahead and buy this if you wish. But you’re not special and nobody thinks of you much.
Carbon fibre clothes hangers
F*cking hell. We’ll leave it at that.
New cycling socks
The kind of present dreaded by the rest of the human race at Christmas, but a cause for great excitement among bike riders. Says it all.
Underpants
See ‘socks’ entry above. One major fail though is you can’t wear them cycling, which more or less renders them useless. www.lookmumnohands.com
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