Some riders will go through hell to get the miles in during winter, never to be seen when the summer approaches. Just don't let them drag you down with them.
Former international bike rider and now occasional triathlete, Tim Barry has been around for a couple of decades worth of winter training and there's not much he hasn't seen. In this dispatch he talks us through the perils of getting the winter miles in and profiles - tongue in cheek - the riders sent to try us during these cold and wet days in the saddle.
By Tim Barry
It’s that time of year again. The Facebook and Twitter machines have been hopping with updates from cycling clubs all over the country announcing their winter training spin is back on the road.
Advertisement
Things really got complicated with the advent of heart rate monitors and more recently power meters, so much so that it’s a good idea to bring a UN observer on every ride to keep both the peace and everybody in the correct zone.
To survive the jungle that is club winter training, you’ll need to recognise the main players and their modus operandi. It’s only by knowing your enemy that you can hope to defeat him.
The Winter Warrior World Champion
Winter is his time, mainly because he stopped racing last April due to his annual bout of glandular fever.
He got back on the bike in July after watching the Tour on TV, got more miles in during August so he was ready to begin motor pace work in mid-September, all in preparation for the winter training season.
He will torture you throughout the winter but only if you let him. Don’t take this personally; he wants to torture everybody.
This anger is a result of the frustration he feels after another lost season. Next year he vows is going to be different. His favourite tactic is “half wheeling”, also known as “the long bike”.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of this even if you didn’t spot it at the time; that club mate that constantly rides a foot in front of you.
No matter what speed you ride at, you never draw level .
Many moons ago while training with a very tall winter world champion I cracked and asked him why he was always half a wheel ahead of me?
His reply was that as he was taller his bike was longer so it needed to be that bit further in front.
Now don’t worry about this guy too much as he will hit peak form by Christmas , begin to dip by the start of the season and will be finished with the bike by the time the Gorey Three Day rolls around, having been struck down by “the fever”.
Turbo Man
A fair weather cyclist who turns up at the beginning of winter only to vanish like a lump of sugar in a cup of tea after the first good wetting in November.
He’ll return next spring after spending the entire winter on the turbo trainer.
He will text regularly arranging to meet up for spins but with only a hint of moisture in the air sadly he never appears. You hear on the grapevine that he is going really well, clocking up 500km a week on the indoor trainer.
There is even a story doing the rounds that Electricity Ireland have hooked him up to the national grid and that he is currently generating enough power to run two NAMA hotels in south county Dublin, but this in unconfirmed.
The simple truth for Turbo Man is that he was born in the wrong country.
Strava Man
What can I say about this guy? If you have to ask a team mate for a lead out up a shitty drag on a road through a bog in a “virtual race” for a non-existent prize you need serious psychological help.
On a recent spin “Strava Man” attacked our group for no apparent reason disappearing up the road.
The rider next to me who wasn’t up to speed with Strava Man’s tactics asked what was going on.
I explained the whole concept and the reason for the sudden acceleration, at this point the rider next to me uttered the familiar Cork term “langer”. Enough said....
“National/Pro Team Kit Guy”
A rather stylish individual who knows his stuff as he raced abroad once when he bluffed his way onto a team at the last minute as one of their riders suspiciously fell down a flight of stairs breaking his collar bone.
Luckily he happened to be in the right place at the right time with his bike and shoes at the ready.
Related News
Sadly his shot at the big time landed a bit short and he was listed as DNF in the results. On his return home he explains this was an error and he actually finished 31stbut just outside the prize money by one place.
On the upside, he got to keep the kit after hiding in the toilets of the sports centre behind the sign on while the team soigneur searched for him in vain.
Now back at home during the winter he always trains in his cherished kit which has to be washed, dried and ironed every Saturday after training so as to be ready for Sunday’s spin.
This is done to impress any of the club members know to him as “Freds” who missed the previous days spin.
Assos/Rapha Dude
This character will appear at the beginning of winter dressed entirely head to toe in high end cycling apparel including saddlebag and iPhone cover.
His winter bike is so flash it would put 99 per cent of the pro peleton race bikes to shame.
He only lasts a few weeks after being unlucky enough to be the only other person that turned up for training when the winter world champion (WWC) was at his peak
What Assos/Rapha dude didn’t know was that the club had changed their meeting time to avoid another battering from the WWC, but he never got the message.
After taking a few weeks off to recover from that horrible experience which his doctor estimates took five years off his life expectancy, he reappears on December 26th in the latest high tech cycling apparel which was a Christmas gift to himself.
He’s in a full cycling onesie all in red with white seasonal trim.
It has a built in Nespresso machine in the back pocket or as it’s called in the marketing blurb “refreshment area”. He says “ it’s a one off limited edition, like you know". You reply; “a bit like yourself“ and pedal off .
The Triathlete
More triathletes are turning to bike racing as preparation for their own event.
So not alone do we cyclists have to risk our lives in races due to their questionable bike handling, but we also have to suffer their company on training spins as they natter on about brick sessions,transitions, hill repeats and aero this, aero that.
How will you know that the rider next to you in the group is a triathlete? He will tell you!
Visually they are also pretty easy to spot as they will be the ones without socks or overshoes.
Leggings are replaced with calf guards. And no matter how cold it gets its jerseys all the way with gillets only added when the temperature drops to -1 or lower.
The upside to this lack of clothing is that once hypothermia sets in they tend to go very quiet and stop annoying you.
Do spare a thought for our triathlete friend because when you are nice and dry safely sitting down to your well-earned Sunday lunch he will still be running around the local park in the freezing rain like an asylum escapee finishing his “brick session” in preparation for an Ironman.
Puncture Man
“I am going to kill him and bury his body in that ditch," you mutter under your breath as you hear the call of “puncture” echo around the group.
Without even looking you know who it is. Now anybody can get a puncture. Why, even on a bad day you can get two. But this guy averages three every ride .
If he isn’t busy puncturing he is picking bits up off the road that have fallen off his bike.
The incessant rattling that came from his machine the previous three hours was probably a sign that something was amiss. But “puncture man” isn’t the best on bike maintenance.
Adding fuel to your rage as you stand in the freezing rain is the fact that, as usual, he needs to borrow a tube and co2 canister. Again.
You don't want to be known as this guy on the club run because someday the rip cord will be pulled and you will be left in the middle of nowhere to fend for yourself.
They say it takes all sorts. And if you're new to the game, it's only at this time of year that you'll realise what they really mean.
Stay safe out there and try to keep it steady!
Topics
