Stickybottle

8 reasons why living with a cyclist really is a total nightmare

Posted on: November 20th, 2018

Here are eight reasons why your housemates, partners, parents and friends wish you’d take up a new sport! (But of course you won’t)

 

Why living with a cyclist is a nightmare

 

Have you ever wondered what it’s like for your less-than-obsessed-with-cycling other half to live with you?

Are your parents concerned by your ability to name the last 25 winners of Amstel Gold?

Do your flatmates think you need a new hobby because you spend more time foam rolling than they spend at work?

Well folks, unfortunately they all think we have lost the plot. And here are eight reasons why everyone wishes we’d take up another sport…

 

1. That turbo trainer

If you’re on it upstairs in your room you ought to be in the downstairs living room trying to watch TV.

It’s a complete disaster where the normal people in the house are forced to shout across the room to one another in order to communicate.

And just when it seems like the session upstairs is coming to an end and peace can be restored, that jet-engine starts right back up again for the second of three 20-minute threshold efforts.

 

2. The oil stains. Everywhere

Whatever you do, do NOT get oil on the inside of the car because he or she will forever hold it against you and have a clear view of it in the rear view mirror.

Oil stains on the favourite kitchen towel or the tartan rug are largely forgivable as they can be thrown out and pretend they never existed but oil on the settee in the ‘good room’ is one sure way to get a clout.

 

3. The clogged up sinkholes

This is a more seasonal thing, assuming the cyclist/culprit in question doesn’t shave throughout the year.

Then again, more and more riders are keeping it smooth from January right through December.

This means additional clogging of the sinkholes in the bathroom and more frustration on the part of anyone else who uses said bathroom.

Be a gent/lady and give yourself a clip onto a towel and then feed it to the wind afterwards…outside.

 

4. The ‘just popping out for a quick spin’ one

You’re on babysitting duty at x+1 hour o’clock so you know you need to be back by x-10 minutes o’clock.

Sprinting up the hill and bursting down the back door before belching a load of half-baked lies is no way to impress the other half as you arrive home at x+2 hours where ‘x’ is the time you said you’d return.

They’ve learnt from last Sunday that the ‘diversion’ which forced you to do another 45k is no more than a myth…

 

5. The bikes being kept inside

We are all guilty of paying more attention to our bikes than many, many other things in life, like health insurance and the leak in the attic.

But as Granny said, everything in moderation, right?

That doesn’t mean putting the lawnmower outside to make space for your Pinarello, or leaning your bike up against the kitchen table so everyone can admire it…or parking it in the hallway to allow it to dry after a shower.

Bikes don’t have a core temperature and believe it or not, they can be stored in a garage without any adverse effects.

 

6. The never-ending post-mortem phone calls

They’ll start on Monday with a 1-2 hour post-mortem on why the race was a disaster yesterday.

Frustration will give way to optimism as you just know you haven’t done enough intervals and tomorrow’s session includes 3 hours of same.

On the chat will go until your ear is red and you smell the burning in the kitchen…

Tuesday to Thursday’s chats will be a mixture of gossip, rumour, piss-taking and character assassinations.

Friday and Saturday you’ll park in the long grass and use the conversation to say how you have no chance of winning.

To the uninitiated the only thing that mattered is who won.

But there is soooooo much that happens in a bike race that needs discussing.

 

7. The kit pile

You see nothing wrong with a box for leg warmers, a separate one for arm warmers, another one for knee warmers, and two each for shorts, jerseys, gilets, jackets and base layers.

Then you’ve the spare wheel and tyre department, which is close to the actual bike and frame section and opposite that is the tool section, complete with 12 sets of Allan keys…though you are sickened because one set is missing that 5mm.

We’ve yet to come across a cyclist who doesn’t need something extra.

Every square inch of space is taken up in the house and that washing machine is going full-time…

 

8. The lying

Yes, let’s be honest with ourselves there’s a lot of fibbing going on. We constantly – accidentally on purpose – “under estimate” the cost of expensive cycling-related purchases when explaining ourselves to family members.

And what cyclist worth their salt hasn’t eased family members into booking days out, or even holidays, for times that suit our cycling best (without telling them)?

We really are a daft bunch…

 

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